Lindsay

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it explains everything.

this journal will be deleted soon... as everything is now saved on shadowofrain.

I had a dream last night that was so good, it hurt to wake up.

18 of us got all dressed up and went out to dinner for Chris' 21st birthday. He had a glass of wine and we all enjoyed delicious Italian food. 

There were five things I could have done this weekend: A Dance Festival in New York, The screening of Andrew's movie in New York, Visting Emily in New Hampshire, Going home for my Jordan's birthday party, or a Burlesque Expo in Boston. I am doing none of those things and I feel pretty darn good about that. This weekend is for gymnastics, snuggling, sleep and hopefully getting a lot of work and cleaning done.

As a side note: I found my old Fiction Press account. Most of what I wrote seems silly to me now, but I was reading my one story, "Ink" and realizing how much potential it had. I'm considering going back and editing what I have to make it tighter and perhaps continuing the story. If anyone would like to read it and give me some critique, that'd be fantastic.

Hampshire College had a Snow Day today. It felt really good, like I was a little kid again. No one else seemed to really understand though. I went around Saga at lunch going, "Snow day! Snow day! Snow day!" And people were sort of like, "..." And then I said, "Happy Valentine's Day!" and people were like, "..." And then I was like, "Happy Birthday Chris!" And we had a surprise party for him (It was sort of a surprise for us too, as his mom ordered him a cake at Atkins, a local store, and called Ellen to have her pick it up but she really went out to dinner with Chris while Jacob and I picked the cake up and told everyone to come to the B3 lounge to eat it when Chris and Ellen got back... so it was a surprise for everyone.) and then I went hiking up a mountain in the woods with Colin for two hours in the snow with the stars. Now I'm working on a new and excitingly beautiful celtic knot and going to bed all cuddled and warm.

Six O'clock in the Morning: a lovely hour to be waking up for your 9:00am bus, stretching, maybe taking a shower and eating breakfast after a good night's rest.

Six O'clock in the Morning: a lovely hour to be just getting to sleep after a wonderful night of talking and spending time with people you care about with the knowledge that you have the rest of the day to sleep in and lounge about at your leisure.

Six  O'clock in the Morning: possibly a lovely hour to be just getting to sleep after a wonderful night of talking and spending time with people you care about while still needing to wake up for your 9:00am bus, I'm just not sure yet as I believe my brain is still sleeping.

Today I woke up and I danced. 

Tomorrow I will wake up and dance. 

I'm not sure what it was, exactly: the music blaring into the quad, the dream of stagnent emotional build up, the thought of grass and adventure...

I am taking two dance classes. Dance as Art Form and Contact Improv. That means I dance for an hour and a half four days a week. In addition to this I take a gymnastics class for an hour on Saturdays (and hopefully Wednesdays soon!) Circus practices will begin in earnest starting this Sunday. And tonight I'm going to see a Cirque Eloize show "Rain" which I am terribly excited about. This is the good part of my life, which is a significant junk. 

I dropped Computer Animation. I believe I made the right decision for myself, however I think I may have some problems with the way I work. I avoided doing the work, and it was only the first week. I'd already started to fall asleep in the class... the second class in the semester. I have no real experience and even the basic background things he'd mentioned, like photoshop, I have zero experience in. Unless I remember back to my 7th grade Greek Mythology project. There were a few people on the waitlist who REALLY wanted/needed the class. So I dropped it. Which leaves me without a Cognitive Science class for my Div I... which my advisor does not know about yet.

My life is never boring.

And just because I no longer have access to my i tunes in my room, I've been teaching myself German instead of listening to music.

I'm dabbling with the idea of graduating early... maybe a semester early? I have an advising meeting about that tomorrow, though not with my advisor. With ADVISING. All caps. My history class at UMass today hit upon the subject of tomb raiding. It was perfect. However, in speaking with my teacher afterward, she admits that most history teachers have no knowledge of Archaeology and how the two subjects are very separate, despite there being obvious connections, no one seems willing to connect. Oh, and maybe my Div II will be about movement. Speaking of classes, I'm currently attempting to take seven or eight classes. Here's to trying. 

Answer to the Riddle:   Jacob's House!

Over the weekend I went to a Hot and Spicy Foods Party at Jacob's house. It was really intense. First off, there were over 200 people there (including Kristian, Ellen, Jacob, Hannah and I from Hampshire) and second off, the icecream burned my mouth like a kick in the face. And it was icecream. On this trip I met afore-metioned Hannah who reminds me of Elena. Sort of interesting. More to muse on that. Oh, and I also met Harrison. Who drives a Ford.

 

Carry Around a Pineapple Day was on Wednesday and now I have a delicious pineapple in my room waiting to be ripe and ready to eat. My mom flew off to Germany on Thursday and I wish her the best trip she can have under the circumstances. I'm quite jealous of her being there. I've re-realized how many options there are in life and how I want to keep them all open... and do them all. At the same time. I've also re-realized how "impossible" this is, and yet I'm re-realizing that I'm still going to try anyway. Which is fun. 

Last night the California trip was recounted by myself and Jacob during Panda's birthday. I'm still occasionally bathing in the afterglow of how wonderful the trip was. So much fun and excitement and freedom and life.  

Also last night I had two long conversations with two of the most amazing people in my life right now. I felt very connected  in a really amazing way. 

And now I'm trying to rearrange my schedule for this year one week into the semester. Go me.

This past weekend has been half fun and half stressful. On Friday I drove to Natick in the morning, picked tim up and brought him back in time for lunch and my Stained Glass class. He made two pieces and I continued work on earrings for my sister as well as a water dragon... thing. He's rocking a hardcore glass cut and bloodstained jeans now and we might die from lead poisoning. I went in search of my glasses (which are currently in the Circus cabinet) and then we went to dinner. After dinner we played the piano and did handstands and such and had a good long talk about our lives. Juliana's band was playing at Saga at 9:00pm, so we went to hear one song. Then we drove back to Natick during a small snow flurry. It was very beautiful. I hung out at his house until around 1:00am, and he burned me three CDs. Horray for music. Then I went home and watched America's Funniest Home Videos with my mom and sister... I have never seen my mother laugh so hard in my entire life. My sister made me cheese nacho dip, which was delicious. I stayed up reading Stranger in a Strange Land until around 3:00am.

Upon waking, I had french toast and promptly left with my dad to drive back to Hampshire. We went out to lunch with my Aunt Linda and cousin, Korin which was nice, and then my aunt drove my dad home and I went back to Hampshire to gather Jacob and Juliana and take them to Gymnastics, where we met up with Tara and Matt, and did some insane tumbling action. I still have a front and back handspring on the tumble track with no spots. So exciting. Hopefully I'll get them on the floor in no time! Jacob almost has a press up handstand. Some day maybe I'll be able to do that! Hehe.

Afterward, dinner was eaten and then Excalibur. We watched A Scanner Darkly. Very interesting. Afterwards we watched Dark Place, and it was hysterical, of course. During this time, in a different room some other people I know were having a Charlie Chapman chocolate and cheese party. I ate a banana with chocolate and it was delicious. Then, inspired, I gathered all my cookies and cake and chocolate from my room and brought it back to Jacob's room where it was consumed by hoards of people and we all hung out in Jacob's room... until 3:00am with much fun ensuing, of course.

If, when you died, you were able to play a game with death to see if you could still live or if you had to die, what game would you play?

Some ideas:
Candyland
Never Have I Ever
52 Pickup


There were about a billion more, that we went through and discussed the possibilities of winning and such. Let me know what you would play! Right now it is time for dinner though. So I will wrap up real quick with what has happened today: The Circus Photo Shoot. Where we all get dressed up and face painted and take pictures. Much crazyness, of course and very colorful.

I had a long phone conversation last night with tim. I had a long phone conversation this morning with my mother. Both conversations took place while lying in my bed. Germany, Walter, and Loreena Mckennitt were the themes common to both conversations. You see, Loreena Mckennitt is playing a concert in Germany around the same time I have spring break, and my mother's uncle, Walter, is dying of cancer. He's given up on receiving treatment, so it's just a matter of time... and a short matter of time, at that. Thinking about it makes me really upset, actually. In any event, I really need my mom to go visit him and the rest of the family before Walter dies. I can't explain this need, it's just a need I have. She needs to go. Period. On the flipside, I want to go to Germany to see Loreena Mckennitt, and tim wants to go as well. And she is playing another concert in Rome during spring break, so, we're considering going - I suppose. Although, money-wise, I know I "shouldn't". (And half of me is rebelling and being like: THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR MONEY ON... so forget the world and the rules and the shoulds and shouldn'ts and just do it.)

Last night the Circus (and a bunch of others) participated in a clowning workshop, which I think was hugely entertaining and also quite interesting. We developed characters and that was interesting, and then we put on skits and they were hugely amusing. Life is serious, but life is also fun. There needs to be a balance for certain.

I have a job teaching Circus with Tara and Molly at North Star (I don't know if I mentioned that before) and that's super awesome. In fact, I'm just about to go do that right now. I'll be getting paid at some point (in like, three or four weeks maybe, heh) but that'll be super awesome as well. Circus practice later tonight should be fun. I'm feeling a lot better from last night, and life goes on! Tomorrow I think I'm going to be picking tim up and having him spend the day here with me and then driving him home and perhaps spending the night there and then coming back here for Gymnastics! Which starts again this Saturday, and I'm quite psyched about that as well.

O, Life is a wonderful thing.

It's the middle of January and we have had no substantial snow fall. It is, however, finally rather cold outside. This January has seen me be rather creative, I am making things both in blacksmithing and stained glass making at a rather fun pace. I suppose the wishing I was more productive was to be expected. As to Circus, things are progressing. I've been more healthy than usual in my food selections, sort of. Eating habits could probably always use more work (as I munch down a Lindt Chocolate Wafer Bar.) I've been bouldering twice on my own now, and I actually noticed improvement, which is kind of exciting.

Anyways, tim was going to come visit me tomorrow and Friday, but he is unable to make it up here. I suppose it might be for the best anyways, I did have a lot of financial plans for tomorrow, and a Science Fiction Convention at Hampshire to plan for. Not going to lie, it would have been nice to see him, but I do have a lot of Thank You Notes to write and send from the California trip.

So I'm off to bed now (I suppose that's another good thing about him not coming up - no cleaning that needs to be done!) since I'm not feeling tip-top and the longer I'm awake the less tip top it gets.

    You wake up and you feel - what? Heaviness, an ache inside, a weight, yes. A soft crumpling of flesh. A feeling like all the surfaces inside you have been rubbed raw. A voice in your head - no, not voices, not like hearing voices, nothing that crazy, just your own inner voice, the one that says "Turn left at the corner" or "Don't forget to stop at the post office," only now it's saying "I hate myself." It's saying "I want to die." It starts in the morning, as soon as you wake up. You see the sun through the curtains, it's a beautiful day maybe, it doesn't matter. You turn over to see if you can sleep some more, but it's already too late for that. The day is upon you. You want to hide, to curl up in a ball, but that's not really what you want either. After all. It doesn't stop your mind, does it, it doesn't stop the ache. It's not an escape. The whole day in front of you. How will you bear it? You want an escape, but there's no place you can go where it won't be with you. Inside you like a nausea. Even sleep, really - you wake up with a jaw sore from clenching your teeth in the night and a feeling inside you like you've spent the whole night dreading this moment of waking up. The shining sun is of no use to you. Crying helps sometimes, the way that the wrenching act of vomiting can lead to a few moments' respite from nausea. And the way it racks your gut is exactly the same.
    You don't want to get out of bed, but you don't want to turn into that cliche, you know danger lies that way. So you get up, and you try to find pleasure in the little things, the first cup of coffee in a mug you like, the mint-burst in your mouth when you brush your teeth, but you can tell you're trying too hard. You have breakfast with your husband, your sweet unknowing husband, who can't see anything but the promise of a bright new day. And you say your apologies - you're sorry, you're always sorry, it's a feeling as familiar as the taste of water on your tongue - and you kiss him on the lips as he walks out the door, and he's gone.
    You go through your morning, but your interactions feel false, all the little things you take for granted at other times, the need to smile at the neighbors on the street, the need to speak pleasantly to the awkward boy with the terrible face ringing up your groceries. The smile feels wrong on your face. You look at other people, and you know they have their problems, too, but it seems to come easier to them, all of it. They don't have that hollow sound in their voices when they talk.
    You force yourself to go through the immediate stuff, the stuff that must be done, write the check for the gas bill, put the frozen things away in the freezer, but the more amorphous tasks, the things that are not so crucial right this minute but will ultimately shape your life into something worth remembering, those are harder to face. You'd rather lose yourself in something stupid that wastes your time but occupies your mind for a few moments - TV, a crossword puzzle, a magazine about celebrities. You've spent whole days doing things like that. And then you get scared because another day of your life is gone, and what have you done with it? What will they find, you wonder, when they find me dead? Years can pass this way. Years. The pleasures of the body, food and sex, walking under the autumn leaves, these can give you some small comfort, but even then your mind is running in the background, worrying, hurting, hating, despairing... What can you do to make yourself happy? In all the wide world, there seems to be nothing...

    So you go outside and you climb a tree. It's harder to do than you remember from childhood, and by the time you reach the top, your hands are sore from gripping the rough, unyielding bark. You settle yourself on a branch, and you see what the view is from here. You wait to see if it makes things any clearer, this perspective, this view from on high. And it does. You don't think about it, you don't waver. You stand, balancing yourself on the branch. It's a heady feeling, standing there like that. You feel like you've broken some law of physics. You feel like you're walking on air. You stretch out your arms and you close your eyes. You lean backward, tipping your head back to feel the sun on your face. And you let go of everything, and it's such a relief. And you fall.

~~~

I've been doing a lot of fun and exciting things lately. Working on a lot of projects involving blacksmithing, stained glass and even some copper sculpture. Oh and Circus, of course. I'm going to have my splits by the end of February. It's my not-birthday present to myself...hopefully.

Today started off quite inefficiently. I went to bed around 3:30am, after reading a bedtime story and talking about math only to wake up at 8:30am to drive Victoria so that she could obtain a bus ticket. I filled my gas tank, went back to Hampshire and crawled back into bed until finally rising from it around 1:45pm. But apparently, because fewer people are here, Saga thinks we're not as hungry... and the dining hall was closed as of 1:30pm. I survived without food until dinner. During the waiting period, I cleaned my room and revived my facebook. I'm debating whether or not to delete it again. I'm really disappointed with myself for reactivating my account but part of me (the part that reactivated it) still is like: whatever, I felt like doing it so there. We'll see how it goes. If I let it remain in existence, I will be ignoring it largely.

I took a shower, played dress up and then went to dinner still wearing the fishnet tights, although no one could see them under my huge baggy pants and large boots. Something to ponder: If someone you don't particularly like gives you a rather personal compliment (for example: "You look hott") - does it make you feel better about yourself? Are you still happy to be noticed?

After dinner I went back to my room and cleaned some more, and then read most of Island of the Blue Dolphins and watched a bit of Jeff Corwin. Jacob came to visit and he read a book on Comics while I... tried to come up with something fun to do with little to no success. After a while of this attitude Jacob shut the book and dragged me off to find something to do. We wound up in Tara's room with face paint and... well, if you'd like to see the pictures - feel free to ask. I might put them up here later if I get a hold of them. Basically, Jacob painted my face for about 20 minutes or so, and it looks so awesome. Very tribal, Amazon warrior-esque. I don't want to wash it off! Of course, looking like the warrior I did, Jacob decided I needed a spear and a shield so he made some for me out of cardboard (I helped a little) and then I proceeded to run around with said weapons. Basically, we pretty much rock.

Life has me totally psyched right now. I've already began sketches on four or five different projects involving both blacksmithing and stained glass. Together. I hope it works really well, I'm totally excited and I think I'll be spending most of my life this January in Lemelson. The idea of this makes me very happy.

Circus is going splendidly. Activity seems to be picking up again, as opposed to the last month or so, which has been quite stagnant. I worked on a lot of things today, like my split (ouch, Tara) and handstands and front handsprings, oh, and wrestling. Which was also a lot of fun. I forgot how much I missed just being all over someone with the intent to pin them down and not get pinned yourself. It reminded me of childhood, especially how Nick and I used to play.

Jacob and I are currently making headway in the "get rich" scheme. Also, I have a job at North Star, thanks to Tara, and it even involves Circus. Which is splendid. Combining things is wonderful. He's doing a lot of reading on how to invest and such, which sounds difficult, but hopefully we'll sort it all out.

I've been talking to tim a bit recently as well, which has been quite nice. I really missed him and it's great to see how easily we picked back up on our friendship. I hope this continues to grow and we shall see what happens.

The future is looking pretty dang awesome.

My Div III is going to be two parts. A. Have money to B. Do all the things I want. Jacob and I are currently in the process of attempting to figure out this complicated abyss known as finance. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated. Basically we want our money working for us while we work for more money so that eventually the money our money makes will be enough to live on and pursue our dreams with. And considering the insurance for aerials, we will need a lot of money!

So over break I was able to play around with aerial silks and a trapeze. I was also able to attend The Love Show, which was inspiring and quite fun. Love is, circus equipment!

All in all I am quite happy to be back at Hampshire. This January I will be learning Blacksmithing and Stained Glass making. I'm quite excited for both! As well as bedtime story reading and cuddling with blankets and hot chocolate... although the way this January is going it might be more like, cuddling with fans and bowls of ice cream.

My vacation so far:

Dec 8th-23rd Road trip to California and back
Dec 23rd McGrath Christmas Party
Dec 24th Linda's Christmas Party
Dec 25th Christmas Morning - Opening Presents
Family Party At Parent's House
Out with Bobbie and Cory
Dec 26th Errands with Emily
Family Movie
Dec 27th Out with tim
Silks (and other aerials) with Jacob
Dec 28th Out with Nick
Lunch with Extended Family

Tonight: Museum of Science, Gabriel's birthday, Out with Nick x 2
Tomorrow: Babysitting, Circus Show, New Hampshire


EDIT
I was unable to hang out with Nick the second time and I did not babysit. After New Hampshire (Dec 29th-Dec 31st) I went for tea at the Ritz on New Years Eve and then walked around Boston and stayed for the first round of fireworks. Then I went to a party with Jacob, then home to watch the ball drop with my family and I saw The Devil Wears Prada. Tim came over after the movie and we hung out until about 4:30am. At 11:30am I went to Liz's and we made chocolate chip pancakes (and white chocolate chip pancakes, and cinnamon chip pancakes) then I went to Hot Topic with Emily and two of her friends and almost bought a pair of crazy boots. After that I went to Harvard (the town) to a family party, and then straight from there I went to another party with Jacob. I returned to my house at 2:30am and woke at 9:30am to go out for breakfast with tim. After which I prepared and then left my house to go back to college with Jacob.

Getting a job is first on the list when I get back to school. I think I'm going to drop out of my stained glass making class in order to work more. I feel like I'm trying to balance out my life rationally and at the same time, emotionally... and I feel quite unstable.

Nevertheless, some things are certainly looking better. Oh, and Merry Christmas, or something.